The Relationship Attachment Model (R.A,M.) – Judge Jim Sheridan

It’s always a great time when Jim Sheridan, albeit a devout Kiwanian, visits our club. Not only is he a hoot to listen to, he really knows his stuff! Today he shared with members a new program he and others are trying to secure grant money through the state in order to implement this fine program in various Lenawee County schools in addition to the LISD. The program is called “Relationship Attachment Model” and, Jim said, was the idea of Dr. John Van Epp who wrote the book How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk.

 

While the “life experience”, Jim said, that most high school students are most likely to get into eventually – marriage – learning the proper relationship skills will be critical. These “relationship” soft skills involve problem-solving, interaction, communication, etc. Jim is working hard to convince schools that it’s time to teach about “dating relationship” issues. We all know where they are getting this info from other students, parents, television and movies. They’ve been taught that “all you need is love”! A few memorable quotes from Donald Trump (right before his third divorce) Jim cited were: “If you’re in love, it should be easy” and “If you’re in love, it will work”, and “If it doesn’t work, you weren’t in love”!

 

The Relationship Attachment Model is based on a very simple concept: 5 bonding dynamics – things that will make us feel “close as friends” and must be kept in balance in a healthy dating relationship. Those dynamics are: knowledge, trust, reliance, commitment, and touch. Knowledge – the more I know someone, there more I am apt to like and trust them. If we don’t know someone, we probably won’t immediately trust them. Knowing someone and trusting them allows us to feel reliant on them. A commitment becomes easier once we know, trust and rely on them. There are things involving “touch” Jim added, that need to be explained to kids that nobody bothers to explain. Bottom line is this: Dynamics need to be in a certain order in order to have a specific outcome. By doing so high school students are able to avoid the possibility of dysfunctional relationships.

 

Jim shared also with us Dr. Van Epp’s acronym – F.A.C.E.S. noting that the “F” was for “Family” and how little thought is generally given by couples dating as the interface in the future with the other’s “family” unfortunately. “A” stands for “Attitude” or more specifically, “conscience” which allows people to feel what they’re feeling. “C” is for “compatibility” – a deeper understanding of one’s religious views perhaps, money and its value, etc.

 

Jim concluded by sharing this important fact from research conducted on the subject: when teens fail to spend 3 months in serious dating, they have not met each other emotionally. It takes 9-12 months of serious dating to really know who each other are. The sad news: few teens have not been told this. The Kiwanis club, Jim said, was looking into securing state funding which will cost $400-500 per school and encouraged our club to do the same.